Sorrow

Take care was your last text to me. What if I don't want to take care of myselft?
What if I want you to take care of me?

I stopped texting first, I stop calling first. I stopped trying to reach out first.
Because I think I've had enough already.

I stopped expecting too much from people because I don't want to get hurt.
Maybe sometimes we just need to accept the truth and move forward.

Lately, I did something that I don't think I will do.

I learn to block people on twitter, I learn to not reply fast on whatsapp.
Because before this I tend to ignore some people, but they keep make me uncomfortable with some rude words, so blocking them is a good choice.
And yes, I'm tired to reply fast to some people. Because they'll never reply my text quickly.

Well, at least I feel much happier.

I am just done trying to offer a help. I am the one who needs help.

I just want someone to hug me so I could cry and cry all I want while they tell me that it's okay and it will be fine in the end.

Thanks to the rain for being there when no one was there.
Thanks to the rain for drench me with love when no one was there.
Thanks to the rain for hiding my tears when no one was there.

It feel something when crying in the rain.

Walking in the rain, all my clothes is soaked.
Tried to rhyme but I just choked.


***********

Suicidal thought keep relieving me.
No one cares because no one believe in me.
But I gotta keep my sight up.
I gotta do it for my family so that we can light up.

The urge to cut myself again...
Hello blade, it's nice to see you. Long time no see.

I'm sorry that i failed to keep my promises.
I'm sorry that i cut my arms again.
And yes i regret cutting my hand using a dull knife.
Its so painful yet so satisfying.

Don't worry I wont show you the worst cut because this was the sketch before the real cut, not yet the real cut.

I mean that just me trying to test my knife is sharp enough.

No worries I'm fine.

They're the people that hides everything under their sleeves.

*****
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*

Sometimes I ask myself why do I feel alone.
Maybe I should hold on a little longer.
But I'm just trying to get myself out of the dark.

I said I'm fine, but I lied.
Cause you don't wanna know what goes up in my mind.

I said I'm alright and then I cried.
cause you don't know the mess that I am at night.

Dear reader, you might be depressed, sad or in pain.
But always remember that there will be happy days in your life.
I want you to keep your head up and know that I love you no matter who you are.

Fix your attitude.
Do better, be better, be wiser.

Fix yourself, dear self.

Whole and holes?

...but was it really easy for you to leave?

Because it wasn't for me, never was and never will be.

By now, I really couldn't figure what I want to write, or why am I writting.
Maybe this is the right time i crawl back here and begin again from square one.

Maybe now is the right time for me to talk about how my life should probably go if we never crossed path.

I stopped drinking since the day we met, but that was the very day I started being drunk.
I was never myself when we were together, I forgot what is sober.
People keep telling me that I've changed, I was in denial.

I used to drink, but never once I thought that drinking and melancholic are my sober.
I could have never written any better that when I'm broken.

I was whole when you were here, but now that you left, only holes that I got.

Maybe it is true that now is the right time for me to talk about how my life should probably go if we never crossed path.

Worth?

That feeling when you're alone.
That feeling when nobody cares about you.
That feeling when you just can't take it anymore; and you wants to harm yourself.

That moment when you just want to cry.
That feeling when you don't care anymore.
That moment when you want to sink under the ground.
That feeling when you watch somebody is having fun with family, friends or somebody.

That feeling when your heart is broken.
That feeling and moment when you just want to end yourself.
That feeling when you realised that you don't have anything anymore.

It's sad to know, that we appreciate our friends more than they do.
It's sad when we're just being to extra when it come about friendship.
We're excited to see our friends, but they do not.

Tell me, show me if you really wanted me to stay because you seems fine if I'm gone.
Am I not worth it to fight anymore?


****


No you're wrong.

You're not worth for them.
You deserve better. Better friends, better treatment.

Don't let others people undergrade you.
Set you limit higher.

Believe me, there's a lot of people outside there that idolize you.
They just don't show up.

Everyone of you is special in your own way.
There's nothing more than that to say.
Just be what you wanna be.

So don't ever think that you're useless.
Don't ever think that you're messing things around.
Don't think you're not invited to this world.

There's always be a reason.
Why were you here, why were you born.
Fighting until you know your worth.

Sometimes you just doesn't realize how much people keep alive because of you.
How people keep fighting because of you.
How they keep strong because they have you.

Sometimes you just don't realize that.

Just dream big. Believe in yourself.
Don't rely to much on people to help.
Talk to someone. A friend or love one.
They'll help you the best they can.

Soon you'll be running across the land saying its over I'm free now.

Just because we don't talk anymore, doesn't mean that I no longer care.
Truth is, I still do.
I still do my best to check up on you, to see how you're doing.
But everytime I've the urge to talk to you, it suddenly hits me that, we're strangers.

You don't want me in your life, hence the reason why I'm no longer a part of you.
But I want you to know, that I'm still here. I'll still be here for you.

Don't hesitate to talk to me, because half the time, I wish that you were talking to me.

I just really miss your presence.
I miss you being my best friend.
I just miss you in general.

Kemana?

Ada dua jiwa, satu hati.
Ada satu jalan, dua pilihan.
Ada banyak akal, sikit perbuatan.

Soalnya kemana mahu dituju?

Pernah tersesat, tak jumpa jalan keluar.
Pernah tersesat, lalu kembali berpatah arah.
Pernah tersesat, terus mencuba perbaiki haluan.

Lalu kemana mahu dituju?

Jiwa yang datang, lalu menetap.
Jiwa yang datang, singgah sebentar.
Jiwa yang datang, terus berlalu pergi.

Dan arah mana mahu dituju?

Apa yang terjadi ini sumpah bukan biasa-biasa.
Ini semua aturan yang Maha Kuasa.

Kita semua ada kisah silam.
Kisah yang kita tak ingin dicoret atas helaian kain putih kita.
Tapi apa yang dah tercoret, kekal tercoret.

Apa yang dah berlaku, biarkan.
Pilihlah, untuk biarkan atau belajar daripadanya.

Apa yang akan berlaku, ianya adalah misteri.
Maka cekalkan hati melihat diri di masa akan datang.

Apa yang sedang berlaku, perbaiki.
Kerna ia yang akan mengatur masa depan kita.

Andai kata pernah terdetik yang diri ini tersilap arah, ubahlah ke arah lain.
Yang pasti kesilapan itu bukan dosa, itu adalah pengajaran hidup.

Kepada rakanku yang berubah arah, semoga berjaya di tempat baru.
Diri ini tidak lupa mendoakan kejayaanmu.

Moga tidak lupa juga keberadaanku di sini.
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.
Meskipun banyak rintangan dan halangan, kami takkan berputus asa.
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Yang tetap setia mendakap semangat dan cita-cita.
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Yang tetap utuh berdiri meski ramai yang pergi.
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Semoga dipermudahkan segalanya.
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Birthday

It's my birthday. I'm so happy that I'm growing older.
Hopefully I'll be more mature.

Just like the other years, I didn't get so much wishes and present.
Maybe because I'm not telling people around me about my birth date?
Or maybe they just don't care, like me.

From my parents, yea birthday wishes via whatsapp and KFC during dinner.
No birthday song, no cake, no candle light. Just a simple birthday party.
Actually not a party. It just a dinner, with KFC.
I enjoyed it, at least we celebrate together.

I got a gift from Najwa, sent via Poslaju. Thank you very much. I love it.
Frankly speak, I'm touched with the surprise.
Then wishes from my beloved niece, Nurul Nabilah and Kak Yang via Ig Story.
Irfan Aqil, Zul, Farahin also with Ig Story.
Zalikha Laila Asyiqeen with a part of screenshots of my text on whatsapp.
Wishes from my SBP friend Uyun, Waniey, Syaimaa, Scarlet, Izzah, Syifaa' and Amirul.
My sidekick, Habib, Harits, Amirul, Mizan and Anis Atiqah.
From my collagues, Ummi Maisarah, Afrina, Aiman, Luke, Hasya, Hawa and Chong.
My twin Alya Basyirah. Happy birthday too!

And maybe two or three people that I forgot your name, hit me up, so I can put your name here.

Thank you for all those wishes, I appreciate it. Even it just a letter 'HB'.
I remember who wished me, because those wishes' means so much for me.

I know the feeling when someone remembers your big day.
The feeling when you get a surprise or a present.
Although I don't got it often, I don't want my friends got nothing for their big day.
I'll try my best to give all of you a gift during your birthday.
If I couldn't, please noted that my prayer are always with you.


***************

Thank you my friend :)


There were some time that I regret.
For not using every chances that I got.
I said that people leave, memories doesn't many time, yet I didn't learn from it.

Going through life, but losing hope.
Fighting with these memories, how can I cope?

They leave, maybe for a better place for them.
I'm staying here, seeing you go away.
Waiting for you to come back.

Do you remember, the day we went lunch together?
The day we're panicking to complete our assignment together?
When we so nervous to face mock-up and Caam examination?
Go to cinema, open pool, to the beach?
We enjoyed laughed so hard in class?

But it's a past story.
It'll never happen again.

It'll stay as a memory.

That were the memories that I regret.

So let bygone be bygone.
For now and the upcoming time, I hope I can spend my time well with my friend.
I want to be happy with my friends, hopefully they'll not leaving anymore.

We cry at goodbye, because the person who comes back isn't the same as person who left.

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I'm sorry I'm sad.

I'm sorry I'm clingy.

I'm sorry.

MATI

Pernah tak kau fikir yang kau dah malas nak jalani kehidupan.

Rasa macam apa guna aku hidup.

Rasa macam janji tuhan tu tak pernah sampai.

Puas kau berdoa, dipermudahkan urusan.

Tapi yang datang, musibah dan bencana.


Ah, aku biasa.

Fikir nak mati? Tipulah tak pernah. Bukan tak pernah.

Selalu.


Tapi akal masih waras.

Bunuh diri itu dosa.

Dan angan-angan untuk mati dipendam.


Namun ia tak berakhir di situ.

Selalu juga terfikir, biarlah aku mati dlm kemalangan.

Sekurangnya bukan kerana bunuh diri.


Tapi, tetap mati.

Friends?

All these words in my head, I got so much to say.
But when I open my mouth, the words all fade away.
I don't know how to put things, can't say how I feel.

I knew some people could change.
You just said you never will.
Text me late at night, asking me to chill.
And although I always knew I'd sit there questioning the deal.

The way you made me feel,
Told me that you loved me,
That you'd never break my heart,
But damn I wish you could see,
How you tore my world apart.

You made the bad days good,
You always made me smile,
I knew you always would,
At least for a while.

But people start to change, and you gotta change too.
Realize you're worth more, and keep on pushing through.

I'm so scared to get hurt again... I'd rather be alone.
I'm so scared I might lose a friend... I'd rather have none.

After one by one go and leave me, it's a lies if I'm not sad.

Maybe, traumatized to know people. Because they always come and go.
People said it's a life, it's normal for people to come and go.
But the feeling isn't the same.

It's really hurt. To know you just for you to left me again.

I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you.
I take all the blame. I know I was stupid.

Now I lost you.
I feel like a part of me has been taken away from me.
It hurts so much when my mama ask me about you.

........................................

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......

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Everyone of you is special in your own way.
There's nothing more than that to say.
Just be what you wanna be, something we've never seen.
Energise the world like it's caffeine.
Spread your happiness, spread your love.

Live every moment like its your last.
Live like its gonna be a blast.
Because life goes super duper fast.

I understand what you're going thru, beat me to the ground saying I'm not done with you.
Had some pretty darks you probally did too, maybe even worse?
But I still understand what you're going thru.

Just dream big, believe in yourself.
Don't rely too much on people to help.
Cause people know how you felt.
So hold yourself together like a belt.
Talk to someone, a friend or love.
They will help you the best they can.

Soon you will be running across the land.
Saying it's over, I'm free, now I can finally see.

Thank you for helping me, for what I am today.
I don't want to think about yesterday.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is future.

........................................................

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.................

Adios :)

Hati kita?

Najmi sampai di pintu airport tepat jam 5.15 minit petang. Siang yang melelahkan.
Ubun-ubun kepalanya terasa panas dek cuaca yang membahang. Meski pendingin hawa keretanya dipasang pada tahap tiga namun masih tidak mampu melawan bahangnya bintang yang setia menerangi planet bumi.

Tambah pula dia memakai baju lengan panjang beserta jaket kulit. Semua itu cuma helah untuk menutup bekas kelar di lengan. Bekas lama, yang masih ada.

Untungnya atmosfera di dalam Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur itu berhawa dingin. Setidaknya dapat menenangkan tubuh badannya yang menggelegak.

Sengaja dia datang awal ke airport, fikirnya mahu melihat pesawat berlepas dan mendarat selain mengelak trafik yang akan sesak menjelang petang tiba. Hobi yang tak ramai faham. Keterujaan saat melihat tayar pesawat meninggalkan permukaan bumi tidak boleh diungkap dengan kata.

Segar rasanya apabila lidah dan tenggoroknya menyentuh air sejuk yang dibeli di kedai Seven Eleven.


Jam 11.00 malam


"Rose, sini." Najmi melambai-lambai tangan untuk menarik perhatian Rose yang baru sahaja tiba dari bumi Kangaroo. Bagasi hitam ditarik bersama.

"Fuhh penat gila weh." keluh Rose. Najmi cuma sengih. Masing-masing penat, namun masih mampu menitipkan senyum di bibir.

"Tak cukup 7 jam tido?" soal Najmi bersahaja. Rose cebik bibir. Najmi ketawa. Gerak kaki diatur cermat menuju ke parkir kereta sebelum mereka terus menuju ke arah utara.

Hempasan ganas ombak memecah pantai. Bunyi yang terhasil amat mendamaikan buat siapa yang menghargai bumi tuhan.
Mungkin juga menyeramkan? Siapa tahu?

Hembusan sepoi-sepoi bahasa yang menerkam muka dan menerbangkan rambut cukup mendamaikan.
Cuba difahami bahasa angin, namun itu tak mungkin.

Rose menyisip air kelapa perlahan-lahan, sambil melihat lautan yang luas terbentang. Sedikit sebanyak menyentuh hati bahawa manusia cumalah makhluk diskrit berbanding sang pencipta. Namun masih ramai yang angkuh dan bongkak. Tak mengerti segalanya kurniaan tuhan yang esa.

"Lately ni I tengok you macam banyak senyap je. Ada something yang ganggu fikiran you ke?" soal Najmi.

Rose diam. Air kelapa dihirup sampai habis. Dipanggil pelayan dan dipinta sebiji lagi air kelapa.

"You tak mahu minum?" soal Rose. Najmi geleng.

"I takut. Dunia akhir zaman ni. Ramai mengaku pendakwah, tapi perilaku tak serupa apa yang dikata." jemari halusnya menyisir rambut ke belakang telinga.

"Sebab tu ada hadis nabi yang suruh kita gigit agama dengan gigi geraham."
"Maksudnya?"
"Maksudnya kita kena pegang pegangan kita, jangan biar goyah, jangan biar terpengaruh."

Rose angguk kepala. Perlahan.

"Apa pandangan you dengan orang yang tak pakai tudung tapi solat?" nafas dihela. "Macam I."

Najmi toleh kepala. Rose angkat kening.

"Bagi I, pakai tudung atau tak, itu pilihan. Kalau dia tahu kewajiban dia untuk jaga solat, mesti dia tahu kewajiban untuk tutup aurat. Bila dia buat kemungkaran, ajak dia untuk buat kebaikan. Tegur silap dia. Bukan buat dia makin jauh dengan kebaikkan." nafas dihela pendek.

"Apa benda kata qudwah qabla dakwah? Tunjuk contoh sebelum berdakwah tapi lain yang dikata lain yang dilakukan. Sebab tu ramai orang tak suka orang agama."

"You benci orang agama?" soal Rose.

"Orang yang masyarakat pandang hina tu dakwah dia lebih mendalam daripada yang dakwah kencang tapi amalan kecundang ni. I tak benci orang agama. I benci perbuatan mereka yang jual agama."

"You pernah minat sesiapa?" Rose sengih sambil memandang Najmi sebelum kembali melihat pantai.
Najmi kuis pasir dengan hujung jari.

"Dulu I pernah minat satu orang ni."

"Wajah dia lembut, perilaku dia sempurna, suaranya serak-serak basah. Kami selalu juga buat aktiviti sama-sama." suaranya makin perlahan.

"Sampailah satu hari tu, saatnya I tak dapat nak buat semua benda tu lagi dengan dia. Kadang-kadang rasa menyesal, sebab tak pernah bagitahu isi hati ni kat dia." pandangan matanya dibuang jauh ke tengah laut.

"Tapi takpelah. Benda dah berlaku dah pun. Benda yang jadi mesti ada hikmah. Ada hikmah kenapa I tak dapat hati dia." senyum paksa direka.

"Kenapa tak teruskan dengan dia?" Rose pelik. Najmi membisu. Nafas dihela perlahan.

"Dia pergi."

"Pergi mana?"

"Pergi tinggalkan dunia. Pergi tinggalkan semua." nafas dihela.

"Dia meninggal. Kemalangan kereta." ucap Najmi perlahan.

"Sorry to hear that." riak muka Rose berubah.

"Takpelah. Benda dah berlaku dah pun. Sebab tu I rasa okay je tak dapat dia dulu."

"Rasa okay??"

"Mungkin hati dia Allah dah pegang. Sebab tu I tak dapat nak memiliki hati dia."