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Tuesday, March 10, 2020

Delete


Have you ever felt that you felt nothing?
It's like you don't have any feeling but that no feeling is a feeling.

Have you ever stay still when you take shower?
Like you just let all the water flow free over your body.
And you start crying?

Or have you ever do something but your minds are not there?
Like you are there but you are not there?
And you don't understand what are you doing exactly?

Sometimes you think that you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.
I guess it true. Well yeah. I want to run away. Away from other people.
But deep inside, I'm alone. I need someone by my side.

Lately I was haunted by my own past. My darkest time.
The moment I hate the most. The things that I thought will never happen to me.
But it happened.

I hate myself since that thing happened. I might looks happy outside but not inside.
I'm screaming inside. Why I should be this dirty? And why me?

I shouldn't involved in that dark world. But what I can do? I'm just plain stupid at that time.

I tried to forget it but I can't. It keep coming and crushing me.

I don't know who to talk to. I don't know where I can share my stories.
Those who know my story just love to take advantage on me. And I hate that.
What's the point to share your problem with friend that you trust but they betrayed you?

Some of the reason why I talk to friend that I knew on social media was that they don't judge me.
And luckily I got a very good soulmate, a very good friend. Sometimes I talk to stranger too.
It was so calming because I could express my heart without being judged.

Although there're several times that I want to delete this life.




Ada mimpi yang kita nak ia jadi realiti.
Ada mimpi yang kita nak ia kekal jadi mimpi.

Dan aku harap kebanyakkan mimpi aku kekal mimpi.

Ada satu ketika, kita rasa macam nak hentikan masa yang berlalu.
Sebab kita tak nak dengar apa yang kita perlu dengar.
Kita tak nak tengok apa yang kita patut tengok.
Kita tak nak terima apa yang patut kita terima.

Tapi dalam hidup tak wujud kebetulan.
Semuanya adalah takdir tuhan.

Maybe it's time to take rest and stop chasing after people who never even took their time to glance back at you. Maybe it's time to see what's best within yourself. Not only in anybody else.

"But don't you ever feel the urge to speak to strangers?" she asked.
"To ask them about their lives?" I asked her back.
"Don't you ever wonder what helps them fall asleep, and what keep them awake at night?"
I'm speechless.

"Life becomes more meaningful when you realize the simple fact that you'll never get the same moment twice."


Sunday, November 10, 2019

Sorrow



Take care was your last text to me. What if I don't want to take care of myselft?
What if I want you to take care of me?

I stopped texting first, I stop calling first. I stopped trying to reach out first.
Because I think I've had enough already.

I stopped expecting too much from people because I don't want to get hurt.
Maybe sometimes we just need to accept the truth and move forward.

Lately, I did something that I don't think I will do.

I learn to block people on twitter, I learn to not reply fast on whatsapp.
Because before this I tend to ignore some people, but they keep make me uncomfortable with some rude words, so blocking them is a good choice.
And yes, I'm tired to reply fast to some people. Because they'll never reply my text quickly.

Well, at least I feel much happier.

I am just done trying to offer a help. I am the one who needs help.





I just want someone to hug me so I could cry and cry all I want while they tell me that it's okay and it will be fine in the end.

Thanks to the rain for being there when no one was there.
Thanks to the rain for drench me with love when no one was there.
Thanks to the rain for hiding my tears when no one was there.

It feel something when crying in the rain.

Walking in the rain, all my clothes is soaked.
Tried to rhyme but I just choked.


***********

Suicidal thought keep relieving me.
No one cares because no one believe in me.
But I gotta keep my sight up.
I gotta do it for my family so that we can light up.

The urge to cut myself again...
Hello blade, it's nice to see you. Long time no see.

I'm sorry that i failed to keep my promises.
I'm sorry that i cut my arms again.
And yes i regret cutting my hand using a dull knife.
Its so painful yet so satisfying.

Don't worry I wont show you the worst cut because this was the sketch before the real cut, not yet the real cut.

I mean that just me trying to test my knife is sharp enough.

No worries I'm fine.




They're the people that hides everything under their sleeves.


*****
***
*

Sometimes I ask myself why do I feel alone.
Maybe I should hold on a little longer.
But I'm just trying to get myself out of the dark.

I said I'm fine, but I lied.
Cause you don't wanna know what goes up in my mind.

I said I'm alright and then I cried.
cause you don't know the mess that I am at night.




Dear reader, you might be depressed, sad or in pain.
But always remember that there will be happy days in your life.
I want you to keep your head up and know that I love you no matter who you are.

Fix your attitude.
Do better, be better, be wiser.

Fix yourself, dear self.

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