Lost in mind?

Brisbane, Dis, 2017

Sitting alone, Najmi sedang khusyuk makan pavlova sambil tengok orang lalu lalang.

Dia pandang kiri kanan, mesej dihantar pada Rose, "Nerve-wrecking."

Selang beberapa minit,satu mesej masuk, "Trust me, you're not alone."

Najmi senyum.

Sungguh, pertemuan tak dirancang ini sebenarnya perancangan yang maha kuasa.

Najmi dan Rose jalan beriringan di pinggir pantai.

"Suka pantai?"

"The voice. It's so soothing." Rose senyum lebar.

Najmi angguk kepala.

"You can learn a lot from the ocean." Rose tarik nafas dalam-dalam.

"Like what?"

"The water can change the beach. Slowly but surely. Bit by bit."

"So?" Najmi still don't get it.

"It's basically just like people. People change."

Both smile. Faking a smile.

"How long you've suffered from this?" Najmi tunjuk parut di lengan Rose.

"Maybe same as you. I don't know. I just don't know."

Najmi senyap.

"I'm glad that I meet you. At least I can share my thought with you."

"It's because...."

"You can share to me too."

Angin lautan pasifik menghembus lembut rerambut mereka.

"What are you looking for?"

"Star." Najmi pandang langit.

"Banyak kan? Like your girlfriends. Hahaha."

Najmi tumbuk bahu Rose. Rose balas dengan sepakan di betis.


Ah, I want to stay here more longer. Bisik Najmi dalam hati.


Qiden, kalaulah kau ada sekarang.

Dia berkata-kata sendiri.


******



Seriously, I don't know what I'm doing. Perhaps, lost?

Hati yang selalu berperang dengan perasaan.

Ada masa nak meluah, tak ada yang nak mendengar.
Ada masa nak bercerita, tak ada yang nak ambil pengajaran.

Menangis? Mungkin itu bahasa yang tak terungkap.


Qiden, kau taknak balik ke?
Kau tahu tak banyak benda aku nak cerita dekat kau?
Hmmmphhh.


Aku, kau, kita semua sama.
Tapi ada perkara dalam dunia ni, kita kena sedarlah.
Kalau tak mampu menampung dosa-dosa kita dengan amalan taubat, tak perlulah seronok-seronok tambah dosa macam syurga neraka tak pernah diciptakan.

Memang sekarang kawan aku lagi ramai, tapi tak sama.
Aku sayang kawan yang sekarang.
I don't know.

Maybe aku patut tinggalkan kau kat sini.
Mungkin aku kena lepaskan semua kenangan kita.
Maybe cuma dengan cara tu aku betul-betul boleh move on dan fokus pada masa depan.

Aku tak tahu.

Aku keliru.

Invisible

Did you ever feel like you did not exist?
You are there, but no one noticed your existence.
You're trying to scream out of your lungs, but nobody listen.
You tried to stand out but nobody sees you.
You're talking but nobody care.
And they leave you.

I swear, that feeling is so painful

It's not easy to handle all of this feeling.
Well yes, I feel you.

I can't run away from those feeling.
I've been a lot of it. Up and down.

What I really learned about life,
It goes on.

What I really learned about love,
It doesn't last.

What I really learned about people,
They change fast.

Tonight, I stood at the beach, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight, I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.
Tonight, I deleted all of message i received.
Tonight, I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight, I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last.
I hope.


Tiba-tiba teringat perbualan dengan Rose.


2018, Dis.

I am standing in front of Opera House, Sydney, my favourite place all the time.
This's the place where Elina Rose often come and see me, talking heart to heart.
She usually come with my favourite beverage of Starbucks at Queen Victoria Building.
Green Tea Frappe, double blend with choc chip, white cream and caramel drizzle while she love to enjoy her Iced Caramel Macchiatto, 1 shot, 6 pumps and must be soy.
I don't care, everyone has their own taste. So do I.

"Kenapa ramai sangat yang minat awak?" Rose asked me, she's scrolling through my dm and ask.fm

"Sebab saya penyayang. Come on."

Rose cubit pipi aku.

"Since when you've becoming quiet? Ha?" Rose hold my chin.

"Maybe last 2 month?" that's all I can answer.

"What's wrong babe?" she come more closer to me.

I don't know. Maybe it's good to share with her. Because she's fucking understand me.

"Sometimes I felt like I'm useless."

"What do you mean?"

"For intance, meeting. Nobody care what am I trying to tell them."

"Hmmmm."

"But when I asked someone to tell them my idea, yeah they listen to the idea."

Rose remain quiet, playing with her long hair.

"Things like this make me unsure about myself."

"But you talented."

"I'm nothing."

"Syhhhh." she put her finger on my lips.

"Naj, a lot of people love you. They like you."

I don't know what to react. I let her speak.

"Just ignore those people. Stay with who care about you. Who value you well."

"Like you?"

She laughed. No. We laughed.


*********


I know it. To stay positive, we need to be with positive people.
When you care about negativity, you're leading yourself to be negative.

Thanks Rose!

We then came to Victoria State Rose Garden at Werribee.
She said she want to take some picture with herself.
Rose!

Actually we'd a lot of conversation, but I don't think I can post it right now.
Maybe that's the writing, that's the story only for me.
Or maybe when I'm not exist anymore, you can read it.


:)

*pardon my language, i'm totally sleepy at this time.


Goodnight

Adios