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Saturday, August 26, 2017

Mi amor




Ini mengecewakan dan menyedihkan. 
Dua perasaan dalam satu masa.



Bila otak kau penuh dengan benda yang tak terkata.'
Benda yang kau tatau nak luah macam mana.

Hala tuju aku makin kabur. Hari demi hari.
Sumpah aku keliru.

Luka tak tak nampak ni, yang dalam hati ni, sumpah menyakitkan.
Jeritan tanpa suara ni cukup memilukan.

Sampai tidur pun tak cukup.

Neraka pun wujud kat dunia ni. Sumpah. I swear to God it exists.

Dalam sejuk malam yang menyapa.
Dalam gelap masa yang memenuhi hari hari kau.
Dalam kesedihan ini, memori sedih yang buat aku hairan.
Seorang. Dan sejujurnya, keseorangan.


********************

Orang sekeliling aku buat-buat macam depa kenai sangat dah aku.
Judging aku macamlah hat depa yang cipta aku nuhhhh.

Bona-fide.
They did create me.

Depa bentuk aku untuk jadi orang yang depa nak aku jadi.
Walaupun untuk bagi depa punya impian tercapai, aku kena pakai banyak topeng.

Aku pakai topeng untuk tutup diri aku yang sebenarnya.
Aku kena senyum.
Senyum paling manis aku boleh buat, hasil dari tangisan yang paling masin.
P/s : air mata masin kan? Ke korang tak pernah rasa? Oh, sikit sangat air mata korang


Itu menyusahkan. Dan hidup takkan pernah senang.

Kalau hidup ni senang, takkan ada Usain Bolt.
Kalau hidup ni senang, takkan ada Bill Gates.
Kalau hidup ni senang, takkan ada Adolf Hitler.
Kalau hidup ni senang, takkan ada Rasulullah.

Rasulullah tu lagi layak hidup senang.
Dia lagi LAYAK hidup senang.
Tapi kenapa dia bersusah payah sebarkan Islam?

Untuk siapa?
Untuk kita.

****************




Aku bagitahu kau, aku gave up pada kau, pada kita.
It actually me who gave up on.
I gave up on myself.

Aku takkan pernah buat kau gembira.
Aku takkan pernah buat kau senyum. Sebab aku tatau senyum tu apa.
Dan aku takde idea, bahagia tu apa.

I swear to God when I said "it's not you, it's me." I was being brutally honest.

It wasn't your fault, never is, and never will be.

My sadness is immortal. It can't be killed.

No matter how many times we tried.

We ain't killing it.

We're killing me.

I've always wanted you, but you're an angel who fell in love with a demon.
And I'm the demon, who fell in love with the sweetest, prettiest angel.

I'm the demon. Wearing a mask of a monster, who is wearing a mask of a fallen angel.
Who is pretending to be the most decent person you've ever met.

Sadly, mi amor, life is a constant battle of good and bad.
Heaven and hell aren't one.
They are separated, yet they're joined into one, in which we call it, This World. 

*****

This heartache is unbearable.
The whispers are real.
The pain is inevitable.

*****

Tonight, I took a few sips of liquor, and take a couple puffs of cig.....
Tonight, I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight, I stood on a rofftop, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight, I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.
Tonight, I took a final glance at your photograph inside my wallet.
Tonight, I cut of our polaroid into two, separated us.
Tonight, I burn the note you gave to me.

Tonight, I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last. I hope.

I'm sorry you had to fall in love with a demon.
I should've known where I belong.

I'll be loving you from afar.
Just as how I've been doing so far.

I'll be loving you for a million years.
I'll be waiting for you.

I choose to follow my dream.
Eventhough it will never be reality.

I love you, but I hate myself.
And truly, one can never learn to love others when they don't know how to love themselves.


*******************

"So let me just give up.
So let me just let go.

Let me just stop trying.
Let me just stop fighting."

~ Katelyn Tarver, You Don't Know ~



4 comments:

  1. tunggu dan berdoa banyak-banyak dik. Akak akan sentiasa doakan kamu. Semoga hatinya terbuka untuk kamu. Allah yuftah alaikum jemi :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. kenapa dia tak suka kamu....

    ReplyDelete
  3. jgnlh giveup abg najmi. abg najmi kan kuat :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Allah yuftah alaikum akhie.. fi hifzillah.. la tahzan :')

    ReplyDelete

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