I tried

I walk around with a smile on my face.
When in reality all I feel is disgrace.
Life got me messed up on so many levels.
Everywhere i turn I see some more of my devils.
I try so hard to be nice and fit in.
But everytime I tried, I fail again.

I love my friends and I love my family.
But still, I feel like no one give a damn.
Every night its just another nightmare.
Really?

By now I shouldn't be scared.
But I'm terrified of what could happen.
Sometimes I'm scared of just nappin.
I got all these problems in my head.
Sometimes I wish I was dead.

I know it's not the solution.
But sometimes the air around here is like pollution.
While the good memories seem farther.

All I can say is that I've tried.

I know I've said sorry about a million times.
Some people say its not my fault but the others disagree.
But I can't really do anything else but say I'm sorry.

I know that I've hurt some friends.
And I wish that this pain would just end.

Why does the pain have to keep going on and on and on?
This torture has been going on for way too long.
So I'll fake a laugh and a smile then say nothings wrong.

All this pain, hurt and lies has building up and up inside.
I couldn't control myself so I wear long sleeves to hide,
Where the razor blade has marked my wrist and thighs.

Lonely nights,
Silent cries,
Saying I'm okay,
But its all just a lie.

Take the mask away, you'll see all the pain.
And all of sadness I could not escape.
But they'll go away and the scars will fade.
And I'll live to see another miserable day.

But its all fine.
I promise you that I'm okay.
I'll say I'm not bothered but I care about the things they say.

That I'm not good enough for anyone.
Been thinking about suicide and different ways it can be done.
Slit my wrist, hang myself, or maybe I'll use a gun.
So well done to you, I hope you're happy knowing that you won.

You've taken another innocent life.
Maybe a mother,
Maybe a child,
Maybe a wife,
I know it gets hard,
And I know it isn't fun,
But mental illness can take over anyone.

Do I really have to open up my mind?
Stop and freeze the time?
To tell you things were never right, I was never fine?
Life's getting crazier and crazier but it all same like a lie.
A big circle encircling the world that we live in, bearing no purpose of life.

Do I really need to rap this all out for you to finally realize?
To finally pay attention to my feelings, to finally break the ice?
To see through the thin layers of cries, the silence of things that went wry.
I'm desperately prying this metal cage, I'm giving it all in one try.

I tried, to salvage this feeling that was so long gone.
It was long lost, emotions always comes with a cost.
I'm stuck at this junction, this road that is crossed.
Memories paused, my heartbeat stopped just so I could feel my own pulse.

My own fault, things never went right cause I'm all wrongs.
All mistakes and missteps left not forgiven, we all beg and sob.
tears painting our pain on the soil, this love is a lost cause
You're long gone, I tried to forget you but I guess I still lost.

I know I got Elina but I feel like I'm pushing her away.
I don't show it but all i want is for her to stay.
People don't understand what i go through.
I don't even think the ones who say so do.

I struggle with anxienty and depression.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a compression.
I feel so stuck and I feel so alone.

The choice I've made I don't condone.
I make stupid mistakes.

Nah, I don't think you can relate.

Most people try too hard but they just don't understand.
My emotions are like a tightly pulled rubberband.
Any moment I may break.

Trust me that'll be a mistake.
I take all these pills to try and be normal.

Wait,

What is normal anyways?

Percarian

Rose pandang kiri kanan. Orang ramai lalu lalang, sibuk dengan urusan masing-masing. Sedang dia termenung di kerusi, memerhatikan pesawat mendarat dan berlepas di Terminal 5.

Penerbangan 7 jam yang memenatkan. Rose toleh jam di tangan, jam pemberian Najmi 2 tahun lepas masih elok di pergelangan tangan. Dia senyum sendiri.

Tak lama kemudian Najmi duduk dihadapannya. Rose angkat kepala. Sengih. Dia alihkan rambut yang menutup sebahagian mukanya.

"Long time no see. Haha."

"Yeah, almost 9 month."

"10 days more and you can get a baby."

"HAHAHAHA"

We laughed.

Masing-masing senyum. Pertemuan kali terakhir pada hujung tahun yang lepas, di Sydney.

"Come on. Let's go to Putrajaya."

Najmi segera menarik bagasi Rose menuju ke tempat parkir kereta.
Rose mengekor dari belakang.

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Masjid Putrajaya

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"Suka ke lepak sini?"
"Suka tengok tasik je."

Rose diam.

"Sometimes tengok tasik yang tenang ni pun boleh damaikan hati kita." Rose angguk.

"Air tasik yang tenang ni juga pantulkan cahaya. Sama bentuk." Rose sambung.

"Jadi?"

"Apa yang kita tunjuk, adalah cerminan dalaman kita juga." Kalini Najmi pula angguk kepala.

"Apa yang awak cari dalam hidup?" Najmi toleh kepala, keningnya diangkat sebelah, gaya The Rock.

"Kenapa tanya macam tu?"

"Sebab ada orang yang suka buat suka hati. Macam dunia ni dia yang punya."

"Hmmm. Saya cari ketenangan."

"Macam mana nak cari ketenangan?"

"Cari tuhan. Kenal tuhan."

Rose terdiam.


Orang tegur sebab sayang, tapi seringkali kita rasa hak kita dikekang.
Kau buat segala bagai dunia kau yang punya, bila dah tersungkur baru kau mengaku diri kau hamba.
Kau mahu segala benda sama seperti semua orang, tapi kau tak  pernah mengukur kemampuan diri kau seorang.

Sudahlah, cukuplah berkeras hati.

Ikut hati, mati. Ikut rasa, binasa.
Kebebasan yang kau cari itu sebenarnya penuh dengan kesempitan yang kau tak sedar.
Rasa bahagia dengan benda batil itu sebenarnya rasa terseksa yang kau kejar.
Rasa sunyi yang kau kononnya sedang alami sebenarnya penuh hingar bingar.

Kenapa gusar bila ada masalah hati?
Sedangkan diri sendiri jauh dari Ilahi.

Dan hendaklah kamu beribadat kepada Allah dan janganlah kamu sekutukan 

Dia dengan sesuatu apa jua; dan hendaklah kamu berbuat baik kepada 

kedua ibu bapa, dan kaum kerabat, dan anak-anak yatim, dan 

orang-orang miskin, dan jiran tetangga yang dekat, dan jiran 

tetangga yang jauh, dan rakan sejawat, dan orang musafir 

yang terlantar,dan juga hamba yang kamu miliki. 

Sesungguhnya Allah tidak suka kepada orang-orang yang 

sombong takbur dan membangga-bangga diri.

An-Nisa' 4:36

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Kita bukan asal kita.
Dari mana kita datang, tak menentukan kita pulang di mana.
Yang mencorak langit kita adalah kita.
Lukisan kita adalah takdir kita.
Berjaya atau tidak bukan hak kita,
Tapi yang kuasa

:')