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Tuesday, August 7, 2018


Did you ever feel like you did not exist?
You are there, but no one noticed your existence.
You're trying to scream out of your lungs, but nobody listen.
You tried to stand out but nobody sees you.
You're talking but nobody care.
And they leave you.

I swear, that feeling is so painful

It's not easy to handle all of this feeling.
Well yes, I feel you.

I can't run away from those feeling.
I've been a lot of it. Up and down.

What I really learned about life,
It goes on.

What I really learned about love,
It doesn't last.

What I really learned about people,
They change fast.

Tonight, I stood at the beach, screaming my lungs out.
Tonight, I stared at the night sky, it's brighter than my life.
Tonight, I deleted all of message i received.
Tonight, I took the blade, and slowly cut it along my thigh.
Tonight, I decided to end this all, make it fast so the pain won't last.
I hope.

Tiba-tiba teringat perbualan dengan Rose.

2018, Dis.

I am standing in front of Opera House, Sydney, my favourite place all the time.
This's the place where Elina Rose often come and see me, talking heart to heart.
She usually come with my favourite beverage of Starbucks at Queen Victoria Building.
Green Tea Frappe, double blend with choc chip, white cream and caramel drizzle while she love to enjoy her Iced Caramel Macchiatto, 1 shot, 6 pumps and must be soy.
I don't care, everyone has their own taste. So do I.

"Kenapa ramai sangat yang minat awak?" Rose asked me, she's scrolling through my dm and ask.fm

"Sebab saya penyayang. Come on."

Rose cubit pipi aku.

"Since when you've becoming quiet? Ha?" Rose hold my chin.

"Maybe last 2 month?" that's all I can answer.

"What's wrong babe?" she come more closer to me.

I don't know. Maybe it's good to share with her. Because she's fucking understand me.

"Sometimes I felt like I'm useless."

"What do you mean?"

"For intance, meeting. Nobody care what am I trying to tell them."


"But when I asked someone to tell them my idea, yeah they listen to the idea."

Rose remain quiet, playing with her long hair.

"Things like this make me unsure about myself."

"But you talented."

"I'm nothing."

"Syhhhh." she put her finger on my lips.

"Naj, a lot of people love you. They like you."

I don't know what to react. I let her speak.

"Just ignore those people. Stay with who care about you. Who value you well."

"Like you?"

She laughed. No. We laughed.


I know it. To stay positive, we need to be with positive people.
When you care about negativity, you're leading yourself to be negative.

Thanks Rose!

We then came to Victoria State Rose Garden at Werribee.
She said she want to take some picture with herself.

Actually we'd a lot of conversation, but I don't think I can post it right now.
Maybe that's the writing, that's the story only for me.
Or maybe when I'm not exist anymore, you can read it.


*pardon my language, i'm totally sleepy at this time.



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