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Monday, October 1, 2018

I tried




I walk around with a smile on my face.
When in reality all I feel is disgrace.
Life got me messed up on so many levels.
Everywhere i turn I see some more of my devils.
I try so hard to be nice and fit in.
But everytime I tried, I fail again.

I love my friends and I love my family.
But still, I feel like no one give a damn.
Every night its just another nightmare.
Really?

By now I shouldn't be scared.
But I'm terrified of what could happen.
Sometimes I'm scared of just nappin.
I got all these problems in my head.
Sometimes I wish I was dead.

I know it's not the solution.
But sometimes the air around here is like pollution.
While the good memories seem farther.

All I can say is that I've tried.

I know I've said sorry about a million times.
Some people say its not my fault but the others disagree.
But I can't really do anything else but say I'm sorry.

I know that I've hurt some friends.
And I wish that this pain would just end.

Why does the pain have to keep going on and on and on?
This torture has been going on for way too long.
So I'll fake a laugh and a smile then say nothings wrong.

All this pain, hurt and lies has building up and up inside.
I couldn't control myself so I wear long sleeves to hide,
Where the razor blade has marked my wrist and thighs.

Lonely nights,
Silent cries,
Saying I'm okay,
But its all just a lie.

Take the mask away, you'll see all the pain.
And all of sadness I could not escape.
But they'll go away and the scars will fade.
And I'll live to see another miserable day.

But its all fine.
I promise you that I'm okay.
I'll say I'm not bothered but I care about the things they say.

That I'm not good enough for anyone.
Been thinking about suicide and different ways it can be done.
Slit my wrist, hang myself, or maybe I'll use a gun.
So well done to you, I hope you're happy knowing that you won.

You've taken another innocent life.
Maybe a mother,
Maybe a child,
Maybe a wife,
I know it gets hard,
And I know it isn't fun,
But mental illness can take over anyone.

Do I really have to open up my mind?
Stop and freeze the time?
To tell you things were never right, I was never fine?
Life's getting crazier and crazier but it all same like a lie.
A big circle encircling the world that we live in, bearing no purpose of life.

Do I really need to rap this all out for you to finally realize?
To finally pay attention to my feelings, to finally break the ice?
To see through the thin layers of cries, the silence of things that went wry.
I'm desperately prying this metal cage, I'm giving it all in one try.

I tried, to salvage this feeling that was so long gone.
It was long lost, emotions always comes with a cost.
I'm stuck at this junction, this road that is crossed.
Memories paused, my heartbeat stopped just so I could feel my own pulse.

My own fault, things never went right cause I'm all wrongs.
All mistakes and missteps left not forgiven, we all beg and sob.
tears painting our pain on the soil, this love is a lost cause
You're long gone, I tried to forget you but I guess I still lost.

I know I got Elina but I feel like I'm pushing her away.
I don't show it but all i want is for her to stay.
People don't understand what i go through.
I don't even think the ones who say so do.

I struggle with anxienty and depression.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a compression.
I feel so stuck and I feel so alone.

The choice I've made I don't condone.
I make stupid mistakes.

Nah, I don't think you can relate.

Most people try too hard but they just don't understand.
My emotions are like a tightly pulled rubberband.
Any moment I may break.

Trust me that'll be a mistake.
I take all these pills to try and be normal.

Wait,

What is normal anyways?



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